DAY #1 IN CHICAGO: Oprah, the generosity of firemen, and how to properly deactivate your friend's security system

Lisa's obsession with reading the local paper came through once again to bring us this delightful surprise: Oprah needed dancers. I know I personally try to do everything Oprah tells me to (although not as much as this woman), so when Lisa showed me an ad from the Oprah show that asked if I liked the Black Eyed Peas and like to dance, I said yes, Oprah. Yes I like both of those things.

For those of you who don’t know, this ad ended up being for Oprah’s Season 24 Kickoff Episode. She shut down Michigan Avenue and had a live show with the Black Eyed Peas, James Taylor, Jennifer Hudson, and the Rascal Flatts. Oh and… Criss Angel. As a surprise, her producers hired a choreographer to organize a mass choreographed dance to the Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feelin’.” Eventually the entire audience would join in, with the top dancers getting front row access and (we surmised) heightened probability of meeting Oprah. This is what we were signing up to do.

So we went in for a brief “audition,” which mostly consisted of Lisa and I repeatedly failing to grasp about 30 seconds of choreography while the girl auditioning with us not only grasped the moves, but performed them in ballet slippers... because she was a member of the Jeoffrey ballet. We tried to make up for our blunders by smiling a lot and hive fiving employees on the way out. Lesson number one: spirit points are the most important points. Needless to say, were accepted into the last groups, 5 and 6. BUT WE WERE IN.

So on Labor Day 2009, Lisa and I arrived at the Windy City Field House at 8:30 am for rehearsal, fresh faced and deeply aware of how fitting and appropriate spending our first day together in Chicago rehearsing a choreographed dance for the Oprah show would be.

Four hours later, we were kind of over it. Or at least didn’t want to keep rehearsing the same dance until 6 pm. We already had the wristbands we needed for access, and we were feeling relatively confident Oprah wouldn’t make a surprise appearance at rehearsal after all. So we decided to skip out early. I told my instructor I had to leave; Lisa for some reason told hers she had to go work at Coldstone in Wicker Park at 3pm and beat traffic to be there on time or she would lose her job. Personally I think she had tasted the sweet thrill of deceit when lying to our landlord Joe about our roommate, and now she couldn’t get enough. Web of lies, girl. The city and all its dark temptations were already pulling at her previously impeccable moral character.

But rehearsing to participate in the largest mass dance ever was not enough excitement for Lisa, so upon arriving at our friend Sandy's apartment, she immediately locked her keys in the van. Hour five of City Life, Day #1: Obstacles.

Two young men playing cornhole nearby had prime seating to see how we would handle our first encounter with a hostile world. They watched us:
...Circle the van repeatedly
…Call the police (who declined to help)
…Change out of our dance clothes in the back of the van
...Circle the van several more times
...Sit on the curb to call friends for advice because we didn’t want to consult our parents within 5 hours of arriving in the city

Luckily, on the way to the locksmith Lisa’s friend Joe Kwaczala directed us to, we passed a firehouse. Repeatedly declaring that she “trusts firemen,” Lisa suggested that we turn to them for help, so we explained our situation to them, charming them with our innocent mispronunciation of the street name “Paulina,” and asked what we should do.

“Hold on,” one of them said, and went to the back. “Yeah, Frank will drive you over and help you out.” At this point I’m thinking Frank will take us in a small fire department car, or perhaps a fire department SUV. But no. Frank points to the big red firetruck and tells us to get in and he’ll drive us over. And Frank isn’t the only one taking us. All five firefighters get in.

So we all pile in, Lisa and I trying to act casual. Sure, it’s normal that this firemen is currently ensuring that my firetruck seatbelt is properly buckled in my firetruck seat. No, Lisa isn’t wondering what will happen if there is a fire and whether or not we will have to go to. Actually, yes, Lisa is wondering, and yes, she’s asking them. And so we rode, in relative silence. Personally I know I was trying to think of things to say but all my thoughts we obscured by the single sentence I AM IN A FIRETRUCK.

Our cornhole friends then saw:
...Lisa and I roll up in a firetruck
...Lisa and I getting helped out of a firetruckby five large firemen
...The firemen hovering around the car for 20 minutes while Lisa and I cheer and occasionally give high fives
...The firemen driving away honking and blaring the siren
...Lisa and I waving goodbye and promising them a cookie delivery soon.

As if that wasn’t enough excitement for Day #1, I then proceeded to set off Sandy’s alarm system when I tried to get us into her apartment. For those of you trying to break into your friend's apartment in the future, be forewarned, you must press and HOLD the deactivation button.

After that we napped. Because the next day we would be dancing on the Oprah Winfrey show.

All in all, I think this bodes well. Lisa is testing her wiles in a new forum known as unnecessary lying, trials and tribulations have lead only to free rides in firetrucks, and there are at least two boys who must already find us mysterious.