Nanny of the Year

Let me begin by saying that the past week has destroyed my body. It's funny -- new mothers often say this about babies. But they are usually referring to stretch marks, distorted vaginas, swollen ankles, and the loss of their beloved "six-packs" (though they should have lost those during the pregnancy if you know what I mean -- oh! alcohol/body-part wordplay!). Yeah but I never gave birth. AND YET. These children are destroying me.

It all started on Monday when I was holding one of my babies and I fell down the stairs. Yes. I fell down a flight of stairs while holding a small, vulnerable child. I was wearing very warm, very slippery socks. Life happens! But it was fine, I protected the baby from danger by ensuring that I took all of the shock, bruising, and scraping from the fall. The next day, I couldn't walk on my ankle and to this day, it still hurts to put pressure on my tailbone, aka do anything whatsoever, including sleeping and sitting. The baby was physically fine. But apparently, being hurtled through the air in my arms psychologically damaged him, and he has hated me all week.

Then again, he did have more trauma later in the week. On this point, I blame the dog. I have to do this interesting thing where I push the stroller through the ice and walk the dog at the same time. It's usually all gravy, but sometimes OTHER DOGS ATTACK. And on Wednesday, that happened. And the stroller totally got badass on two wheels. Everything fell out of the stroller. Except the baby. So while I endangered the baby AGAIN, I also saved him. AGAIN. By using the safety harness.

On Tuesday, I was babysitting a different baby, but trying to use my bum ankle. Consequently, when I picked her up to put her in her crib, again, I fell, into a giant fan and a window and then the ground. Again, I destroyed my legs and elbows but protected the baby physically from harm. On the other hand, she screamed bloody murder all night. I think she was having falling dreams.

Today, I was babysitting baby number 3, and guess who calls but GRANDMA! This grandmother and I have a complex relationship. She is the only other babysitter in the baby's life at this time, so I think she has some issues with me. I mean, she likes me because I give her nights off, but I also sense a secret competition. Lately though, the grandma has been cornering me, looking at me with a potent stare, and saying things like, "You're a good babysitter." Today, she called just to chat with me (?!) and ended the conversation by saying, "Thank you for babysitting.... my grandchild." Ominous? Or thankful? We'll say thankful and put it in my nomination for nanny of the year. BOOM.

Other things that have happened lately:
- Brandy is in Japan. I am often lonely and bored.
- Mallory and I befriended a band of middle-aged musicians. They played a cover of "Laughter in the Rain,"which apparently, is Mallory's favorite song. The best thing about friendship is learning something new about your friend every day!
- I went to go see the film Up in the Air by myself. By the time the movie ended, I realized that the message of the movie was "Don't go see movies by yourself."
- I started taking a weekly dance class in hopes of exploring my joy for dance and becoming physically fit. At the first class, the teacher announced that this dance method is "about resisting the urge to use your core muscles and retreat to the body movements we had as babies, without muscles." So I feel like I might not be building muscle in this class.
- I may or may not have been hit on by a lesbian in a bar. Some girl came up to me and asked if I was "weaseling or wormholing." Then she asked if I was going to leave the bar. All I was doing was standing next to Matt Thomas, drinking a beer. And forgive me, but do the words 'weaseling' and 'wormholing' not sound kind of sexual? And why did she ask me to leave with her? Do I give off lesbian vibes? Maybe she just works at a zoo or something though.

Resolved

Happy New Year! 2009 is over! I am so happy. On New Year's Eve afternoon, I was driving Brandy to Target and I hit a dog. I feel this incident was very illustrative of 2009 as a whole. I was just driving, driving down the street, listening to my new "2009: Killer Tunes!" cd that my father made for me with his bare hands (yes it includes Kelly Clarkson AND Phoenix?! AND Jay-Z AND... U2?... YES IT DOES). Yeah, I was just jamming, driving down the road, being safe. Much like I was living my life for this whole year. And then WHAM, a fricking DOG BOUNDS out of nowhere, from between parked cars, jumping all over the road like Balto on crack. And I made some sort of crazed squealing scream sound and slammed on my brakes and basically stopped, but the dog still jumped onto my bumper. So much like 2009, adversity came out of nowhere, but I still reacted so well and knew what to do! But there was still destructive contact! Still! 2009!!!!

Yeah but then the dog just bounded away. He was fine. I just sat in my car and kept making that sound, and for some reason there were a million people on the sidewalks of this suburban street, and they all just stared at me. Like I was the weird one! Like the fricking dog wasn't the weird one here! What kind of dog just runs into a car out of nowhere?! What was this dog, the fricking lead character from Marley and Me? Yeah, NO. I was not the guilty party. And the dog was alive. So why the judgment?! Why? So even the dog survived 2009 and I survived 2009, there was still this overbearing sense of doom and judgment from everyone around me. 2009! DUMB! So then I went to Target. YEAH I DID. I WENT to TARGET. Just like I drove into 2010, alive, with the dog, thirsty for MORE.

Here are my resolutions:

1. Not hit any more dogs, like I did on New Year's Eve at 1:30pm on my way to Target.
2. Develop a more grown up taste in food, as my appetite has been slowing sliding toward that of an infant. FOR EXAMPLE, I don't know how to use spices, and I usually like eating things like plain bread and raw vegetables and CHEESE. I have acquired an addiction to soy milk hot chocolate and I have been drinking it every day. To me, this is the equivalent of a baby being addicted to formula. I am a big baby.
3. Embrace the art of dance.
4. Speak Spanish.
5. Stay hip on music, like the cool kids.
6. Not get swine flu, like Brandy (sorry girl)
7. Invest in cowboy boots
8. Not tear any more of my pants dancing to the bridge of Bad Romance at
9. Be alive more
10. Make more music videos in the living room
11. Not destroy people's souls
12. Have long hair
13. Stop stealing things just for the thrill of it like Winona
14. Learn how to read again
15. Resolve for more resolutions because HA Genie you can't outsmart me

Resolutions of people I know:
1. "get insurance"
2. "buy a car"
3. "stop getting diseases"
4. "find a wood working studio that I can go to without the owner ringing our doorbell at all hours and verbally assaulting my protective roommates"


Good ideas all around! Happy New Year! This list may be annotated at any time in the next 11.9707598167 months