Resolved

Happy New Year! 2009 is over! I am so happy. On New Year's Eve afternoon, I was driving Brandy to Target and I hit a dog. I feel this incident was very illustrative of 2009 as a whole. I was just driving, driving down the street, listening to my new "2009: Killer Tunes!" cd that my father made for me with his bare hands (yes it includes Kelly Clarkson AND Phoenix?! AND Jay-Z AND... U2?... YES IT DOES). Yeah, I was just jamming, driving down the road, being safe. Much like I was living my life for this whole year. And then WHAM, a fricking DOG BOUNDS out of nowhere, from between parked cars, jumping all over the road like Balto on crack. And I made some sort of crazed squealing scream sound and slammed on my brakes and basically stopped, but the dog still jumped onto my bumper. So much like 2009, adversity came out of nowhere, but I still reacted so well and knew what to do! But there was still destructive contact! Still! 2009!!!!

Yeah but then the dog just bounded away. He was fine. I just sat in my car and kept making that sound, and for some reason there were a million people on the sidewalks of this suburban street, and they all just stared at me. Like I was the weird one! Like the fricking dog wasn't the weird one here! What kind of dog just runs into a car out of nowhere?! What was this dog, the fricking lead character from Marley and Me? Yeah, NO. I was not the guilty party. And the dog was alive. So why the judgment?! Why? So even the dog survived 2009 and I survived 2009, there was still this overbearing sense of doom and judgment from everyone around me. 2009! DUMB! So then I went to Target. YEAH I DID. I WENT to TARGET. Just like I drove into 2010, alive, with the dog, thirsty for MORE.

Here are my resolutions:

1. Not hit any more dogs, like I did on New Year's Eve at 1:30pm on my way to Target.
2. Develop a more grown up taste in food, as my appetite has been slowing sliding toward that of an infant. FOR EXAMPLE, I don't know how to use spices, and I usually like eating things like plain bread and raw vegetables and CHEESE. I have acquired an addiction to soy milk hot chocolate and I have been drinking it every day. To me, this is the equivalent of a baby being addicted to formula. I am a big baby.
3. Embrace the art of dance.
4. Speak Spanish.
5. Stay hip on music, like the cool kids.
6. Not get swine flu, like Brandy (sorry girl)
7. Invest in cowboy boots
8. Not tear any more of my pants dancing to the bridge of Bad Romance at
9. Be alive more
10. Make more music videos in the living room
11. Not destroy people's souls
12. Have long hair
13. Stop stealing things just for the thrill of it like Winona
14. Learn how to read again
15. Resolve for more resolutions because HA Genie you can't outsmart me

Resolutions of people I know:
1. "get insurance"
2. "buy a car"
3. "stop getting diseases"
4. "find a wood working studio that I can go to without the owner ringing our doorbell at all hours and verbally assaulting my protective roommates"


Good ideas all around! Happy New Year! This list may be annotated at any time in the next 11.9707598167 months