The Hot Childs (in the city)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Love and Politics

So I spent a great deal of the past month wrestling my health issues -- my tongue problem was diagnosed as "geographic tongue"... GOOGLE IT. Or let me condense what wikipedia told me about it:
"Its cause is uncertain... Its prevalence also varies by nationality (0.6% of Americans, 4% of young Iraqis, 2% of young Finns) and gender (females affected 3 times more than males).... More often found in non-smokers."

WHAT? I have the only malady in history exacerbated by not smoking? And am I a young Iraqi? I DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND MY DISEASE.

Anyway, I was also pretty sure I had a mild form of mono for a few weeks, but with sunshine and cutting down my social life, that went away. Woo! Which was perfect because it ushered in a new era of my life. At first I hesitated to write about this new era in case my life took an exciting turn and I FELL IN LOVE. As this has not happened, and I have avoided facebook/technological contact with the at-one-time-possible-lover, I now feel okay about documenting this milestone in my life. Yes. I am a city girl, and now, at age 22, I have finally been on my first real-life city girl date.

Now, a city date is different from any other type of date. Any other type of date involves someone three degrees of separation or less from you. A city date is random and crazy! It is with a stranger! I hate strangers! At least I have for 22 years. Until I decided to open up my heart and finally let a city date happen.

It all started at 3:30am at the local nasty 80s dance bar: The Hangge Uppe. Yes. That is where I saw him. We will call him Diego just to be fair. Diego was not a drunken dirty buffoon like most patrons. No. Diego was not drunk and I talked to him about his homeland Argentina. Diego was a PhD student at the University of Chicago. THIS COULD BE LOVE! So when Diego asked me what I was doing and I told him I was a nanny and he asked me if I babysat 26 year olds, I decided to ignore the inherent creepiness of his words and chalk it up to cultural differences. So we agreed to go on a date!

Unfortunately, over the subsequent weeks, Diego repeatedly texted me asking if I could "babysit." This really grossed me out. Then another bad thing happened: I read Emma. Anyone who has read Emma or seen Emma or watched Clueless or knows anything about Jane Austen knows that these things are never good for male suitors. No one can be Paul Rudd. Sorry. But I decided to let the date happen. City date! My first city date!

Yeah, first mistake, by me: I ordered a hamburger. They brought me the biggest hamburger I have ever seen! I COULD NOT FIT IT IN MY MOUTH. I just... COULDN'T. There was just... NO POSSIBLE WAY. I tried to tear pieces off, but things like lettuce and tomatoes kept sliding off the bun as I ripped and landing in my lap. After about 30 minutes, I just let them take it away.

Second mistake: I asked Diego to tell me about his thesis. Since I've been kind of into nanny labor laws lately, and I like third world countries and stuff, I thought I might be able to handle his eco-babble. I was wrong. 15 minutes of my life, gone.

Third mistake: I dumped my drink on myself.

Fourth mistake: I told a Latin man that I was "into" feminist studies during the first 10 minutes of our date. He laughed and said women just like men with money. I tried to eloquently explain otherwise but he wouldn't take it. So to prove the idiocy of his point, I said, "Well, if you're going to say that, then you can say that men choose women based only on attractiveness." He said, "Yeah. So? That's important. I wouldn't buy an ugly car."

Fifth mistake: No, just look at the fourth mistake again.

Sixth mistake: Then he told me about some time when he found some guy's credit card at a bar and went on a shopping spree. Because everyone loves an identity thief!

Seventh mistake: Due to the utter uneventfulness of my FIRST CITY DATE, when I saw some ND kids headed to the airport on the El, I was unnecessarily harsh with them. With excitement and dreamy tones in their voices, they asked if I was working in the city. I snapped, "YOUR DEGREE IS NOT RECESSION PROOF!" I blame Diego for this.

So is this what being a city girl is?! Is this what city life dating is?! I don't want it! I don't care! Carrie Bradshaw lied! This was a dumb, dumb experience. Though I do like life experiences, so I guess I am richer from it.

I also went to an art show the other day and some old women asked if Brandy was my girlfriend. I guess I would choose her over Diego.

Anyway, I've been pretty happy lately. It's been nice outside, so I've been taking my children to the park a lot. Random homeless men always compliment me on the babies and tell me how alike we look. They aren't my babies, but whatever. Last week, Cooper and I were shown in a CBS News clip about deadly flea medication for dogs. Someone was at the park and taped us petting a dog. Like "Awww, let's get stock footage of a baby and a dog and THEN WHAM! Talk about how all of the dogs are going to die!" Still, I'm famous. Going to the park can be lonely though... because of the nanny politics. I'm... going to write about that in a different entry very shortly. It deserves its own entry. UNTIL THEN!